Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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