absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
