Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
