She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We need a shit load of segways right now
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
