That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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