Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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