sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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