I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
