My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I have post one night stand depression
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