I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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