I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
