i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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