its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
