There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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