You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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