haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Randomize
