If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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