On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
