Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
