i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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