don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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