North Korea, Best Korea!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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