Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
