Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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