I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
