When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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