Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
