The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
