So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I don't deserve a penis
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
