mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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