thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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