Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
