My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
