Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
