Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
