Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
