Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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