A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So many bounce houses so little time
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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