Kareoke will never be a sober sport
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
