Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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