so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
