After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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