dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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