and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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