I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
