If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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