Apparently you make a good broom.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
