I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
