i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I don't deserve a penis
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
