i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
