take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
