and you said cock pushups were impossible
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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