hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
