i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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