News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
