i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
